There’s that feeling sometimes that committing my thoughts to the written word would lessen their value in the real world of my mind. Conversely if I fail to do so, they remain in an irksome mood and that results in a far more conflicted head.
I’ve never believed that I would write great literature. But there’s a flow of thoughts here that sometimes begs expression. I am scared of writing about this dream. Yet to leave her in my heart and mind alone, keeps them in little pieces.
My eyes are clouded with sleep having had a sleepless Sunday night to catch that early morning flight to work. Why is it that what I crave most in life, a feeling of loving someone completely eludes me ? Is it that I love myself too much? I want to be loved as most people I know. But I want to love someone more than I love myself. I want to love her more than the boundaries of love itself. I want to give myself up for her. To see her smile and hold that instant forever. And that smile gives me happiness, immeasurable.
To be honest, that’s one of the reasons I took up wedding photography. I’ve always been in love with life and sometimes I needed more than that.
A dreamy eyed young lady with stars in her eyes and a hope in her smile. It’s true that I’ve always wanted to exhibit beauty in my images. The beauty comes from within the bride. It also comes in small measure from my thoughts as I look through the viewfinder. I imagine her as the woman of my dreams. In that instant I know how I’d want her to look. That want, and her beauty transform the image from a simple bridal image to a lot more. The bride loves the images, her husband likes it too. My little dream love.
There have been moments when I’ve been in love with one or the other bride. This is not love as the traditional dictionary implication. It’s just that some have closer to being the dream than others. The dream that was Rome. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was this dream. I’ve borrowed from here and there, mostly life’s little and big experiences. Beauty is a small aspect of love. Intelligence is more appealing. A zest for life is most important. She has to be life itself.
One thing I know for sure, never compromise on what you want in life. Adjust where necessary, but don’t compromise. That’ll leave you with a bitter aftertaste and you’ll feel like a loser. I’ve adjusted with one aspect of life. It doesn’t mean that i’ve accepted this adjustment permanently. It only means that I’ll wait my time. Chasing boyhood dreams into adulthood may have modified the dream somewhat, but the basic essence remains unchanged. The sum of all my life’s experiences shapes this dream every morning. There will come that moment when you will be in front of me and I’ll know for sure that the dream is real.
At this juncture, I’ve lived most of my life. I know that for a fact. But it’s not going downhill anytime soon. I plan to keep going uphill till the day I give it up completely. Life and I have had this relationship where we’ve taken each other on - head on. I win some and she the other. We’ve never really had a draw. I’ve made some mistakes in this journey. No point in quantifying the big and small of it. But there are no regrets. Some of those, I would gladly repeat. Just to prove a point that times change, people don’t.