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sunshine in my mind...

One minute you're flying....
The next you're a crashed out wrcek in no-mans land. No burials ... you rot and the world leers.
No ifs, buts, whys, wherefores.... but the brutal landing (inside the mind) makes me  see sets of alternate universe.

I see a reality which remains unchanged from it's inertia of sleep-eat-work-play.
I see alternates where one little twist in the tale brings forth a life of happiness or sadness. It makes me wonder what would happen if....
One part of me realizes that I will accept my bitter medicine without showing it on the face. The other part of me wants to give it back in equal measure. Then I wonder what would happen if things were always tit for tat.... naah I don't think that would work here.

The wandering mind brings up stories and futures akin to a bollywood potboiler. It's my way of considering options and I feel that in the event of an untoward happenstance I would be able to bear it better. The hairs on my body tingle with a fear. There's also a certain resignation thrown in trying to accept the inevitability of the situation. We come into this world alone... and so shall we go (unless the lord intends otherwise).

I can't put down the exact nature of my fear here because I fear... that the matrix has eyes and ears.
It has been my deepest fear since I stepped into my first pair of jeans. It has plagued me for a decade and a half and eaten away at every thing I thought would work out. Why is it "meat" when I cook it and serve  & why is it poison if someone else serves it to me?

It's like a BLACKNESS that threatens but does not devour. The mind reacts to these threats and in its weakness accepts some to be true. This causes chemicals to flow and actions to be undertaken in the name of protecting oneself rather than what is really valuable.

Some would abhor this state of mind. I revel in it. I feel warm in this - absence of light inside a dark cave - state of mind. I allow those hitherto latent feelings to come forth and engulf me. The maelstrom breaks as the phone rings... but after talking to her.... the dark lord takes over again.


Miss M said…
So you were high on something, but one phone call from your wife jolted you back to reality, and after talking to her you went back to drugged state again?
That's what I gathered from this post. :P :D
Arjun said…
umm..I wish i was HIGH on something. Then these internal mind games would end.
Yep - talking to the lady brought sanity.... just that much!!

my fear is ... well it's childish and basic... but i fear disclosure more than i fear living with it
writerzblock said…
OMG, there's a poet in you. What a vivid, passionate, disturbing painting you've created here with your words. Hope you find solace too, soon. Maybe Lady Love will guide you ;-)

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If life was a Hollywood film... the action would be intense,
It's actually closer to Bollywood... with the same people and the same stories.

Giving up on real life opportunities to create the iconic twists, the hallmark of great cinema and it's storytellers. If every story had the same ending, how would one imagine the what-ifs of life?

Some stories come out best when they start with an ending. It makes for more poignant stories when you deal with certain characters. There is an element of drama on an unfulfilled love story or unrequited love too.

The mundane is never enough for some of us. The happily ever after is an ending from the fairytales of the brothers Grimm.

Memoirs Again...

Campion Days - Class 10A
Batch of 1993 Sitting (L-R) Siddharth Rastogi , Shabbar Tambhawalla, Ashish Gupta, Ian Pinto, Jogesh Lulla, Kumarmangalam Bagrodia Standing Row 1 (L-R) Varun Rai, Rahul Guha, Nitin Kagzi, Raunak Shah, Amit Kumar, Dhananjay Pratap, Harshwardhan Bhuwalka, Anshul Pathania, Ashish Bhiwandikar, xxx Standing Row 2 (L-R) xxx, Karthik Ganeshan, Raghav Ramdev, Sachin Ranganathan, Karthik Deora, Vishal Rao, Pavit Chaddha , Arjun - yep thats me Standing Row 3 (L-R) Kush Mehta, Anand Dhuldhoya, Meherwan Joshi, Anant Bajaj, Gurpal Dhingra, Burjis Cursetji, Marzee Devichand. So I guess I got all the names, but 2. Not bad - 12 year s after passing out of school and not having been in contact with most of the people in this snap. I Spent 9 years at Campion. All the formative years were spent here, and we did form up well at the end of it. Today, people say that the Campionites are quite snooty and snobbish. Never really felt it at that point of time. We had a mixed crowd and more …