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sunshine in my mind...

One minute you're flying....
The next you're a crashed out wrcek in no-mans land. No burials ... you rot and the world leers.
No ifs, buts, whys, wherefores.... but the brutal landing (inside the mind) makes me  see sets of alternate universe.

I see a reality which remains unchanged from it's inertia of sleep-eat-work-play.
I see alternates where one little twist in the tale brings forth a life of happiness or sadness. It makes me wonder what would happen if....
One part of me realizes that I will accept my bitter medicine without showing it on the face. The other part of me wants to give it back in equal measure. Then I wonder what would happen if things were always tit for tat.... naah I don't think that would work here.

The wandering mind brings up stories and futures akin to a bollywood potboiler. It's my way of considering options and I feel that in the event of an untoward happenstance I would be able to bear it better. The hairs on my body tingle with a fear. There's also a certain resignation thrown in trying to accept the inevitability of the situation. We come into this world alone... and so shall we go (unless the lord intends otherwise).

I can't put down the exact nature of my fear here because I fear... that the matrix has eyes and ears.
It has been my deepest fear since I stepped into my first pair of jeans. It has plagued me for a decade and a half and eaten away at every thing I thought would work out. Why is it "meat" when I cook it and serve  & why is it poison if someone else serves it to me?

It's like a BLACKNESS that threatens but does not devour. The mind reacts to these threats and in its weakness accepts some to be true. This causes chemicals to flow and actions to be undertaken in the name of protecting oneself rather than what is really valuable.

Some would abhor this state of mind. I revel in it. I feel warm in this - absence of light inside a dark cave - state of mind. I allow those hitherto latent feelings to come forth and engulf me. The maelstrom breaks as the phone rings... but after talking to her.... the dark lord takes over again.

Comments

Miss M said…
So you were high on something, but one phone call from your wife jolted you back to reality, and after talking to her you went back to drugged state again?
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That's what I gathered from this post. :P :D
Arjun said…
umm..I wish i was HIGH on something. Then these internal mind games would end.
Yep - talking to the lady brought sanity.... just that much!!

my fear is ... well it's childish and basic... but i fear disclosure more than i fear living with it
writerzblock said…
OMG, there's a poet in you. What a vivid, passionate, disturbing painting you've created here with your words. Hope you find solace too, soon. Maybe Lady Love will guide you ;-)

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