Crazy world... insane thoughts
It's like the title says...

May the force be with you…

Monday, November 28, 2005
I can always put feelings to paper. When I feel something – the writing, the words – it all just flows.
A friendly voice advised me to write – detaching myself from the feeling of it. It didn’t make sense then. But as I pondered it over – a deeper realization dawned.
We all make a difference – some for the better, some for the worse (always relative). I presume I do things right – actually it could be wrong – try the other persons perspective. Raise yourself above the normal plane and then look at the issue. Forget about who is winning or losing. Understand the needs – winning might not even be a need.

Put yourself in a parallel universe and watch this one go by. I’d like to play God someday – why not today? Transporting oneself to another dimension doesn’t actually happen – it’s only about using the force inside of you and seeing things from a higher (if I may so call it) plane. It’s like Master Yoda would’ve said. Focus and let it come from within.

Now that the helicopter view has been established – what does it show me?
Well, the world is getting by – without a worry about what I do or don’t do.

I am a thread in the Wheel of time. We all have our individual threads – which get entwined for awhile – then move on. Sometimes they persist for a longer period. The wheel weaves as the wheel wills. Our destinies take us places – enemies become friends and vice versa.

On a daily basis we shift gears, moving between the management of life and it’s transactions. Transactions happen on a daily basis. They’re the basis for the larger picture – like tiles in a mosaic. So very often – we lose touch with the bigger picture as we struggle to put the tiles in place. Our lives get so caught up in the momentum of the workplace that we neglect our lives. The desire to rise becomes our motive to live, rather than the opposite.

It happened with me too. I would spend 16 hrs in office on a daily basis at work. Never ate on time and didn’t sleep too much either. All that my parents had instilled in me, seemed to be going down the wrong pothole. Then I met a few people – not saints in their own right – but each who spoke few words individually. Collecting those thoughts and integrating them to form a decision matrix – I decided to change. I’m still not back on the right path – but knowledge and self awareness is the first step to setting things right…
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I miss..

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Yes , I am a sentimental fool.

I miss the good times and the people with whom I encountered them.

I miss the beaches of goa, the evening sit downs at Marine Drive , the long runs in Priyadarshini Park. I miss getting high and walking from VT to Churchgate - singing aloud!! I miss the hearty lunches at Mahesh lunch home.

(L-R) Lydia, Reshma, John, :-) , Paulette & Tony

I miss the all night dancing with a beautiful lady on me arms. I miss the quiet sunsets of Madh Island - staring into the horizon with just one thought - how does one preseve this moment forever?

My Life has traversed a long path in the last 28 years. I would not be able to remember all those I miss. But i thought it would be a good thing to try. The hits and the miss(es)- oh I really miss some of the miss' who walked alongside me from time to time. I wonder if they ever miss(ed) me... I miss them for no particular reason - other than the fact that sometimes I wished I had them around. Life would be better then.

So here goes...in no particular order...of those people with whom I have lost touch!!

D.S.Sudha - studied with her for 2 yrs at DPS RK Puram. Her birthday was 11th Sep - and hence unforgettable!! She was the class topper types and did her Engineering afterwards. I met her a couple of times after school finished. Even bumped into her on a Valentines day back in 1998. We were good friends during the school days given that there were 46 guys & 4 gals in the class. She left for the US for her Post Grads & vanished someplace.

Anshul Gupta - another one of my friends from DPS. We were the thickest of pals and kinda did everything together for those 2 years. I met him 4 years later after our engineering courses on one of his trips to Mumbai. He runs a Fire-fighting sales co. somewhere in Faridabad. We met that one time and never again. His birthday is 14th Feb & again very easy to remember.

Raghav Ramdev - this is a blast from the past. Raghav, Siddharth & myself constitiuted the Campion school quiz team, way back in 1993. Our Claim to fame was the semi-finals of the All India Limca Book of records quiz in Kolkata. We never got to the finals - that is another story though. He was a quiet boy, bright in academics and extremely soft spoken. We had a quiet understanding and were pretty good friends at that. He's gone missing since 1993.

Siddharth Rastogi - this guy was an all rounder, kinda like Adam Gilchrist if there could be an analogy. Great at sports, good leader, intelligent & part of the IN crowd. I never met him after school, but kept a track of him. He completed his engineering - followed it up with an MBA from IIM. Wonder where he is now?

Paras Bairoliya - a fashion designer today. He was the guy who designed Virendra Sehwags outfit for his wedding. This guy was a creative brain charming all the girls at school. He hailed from Shillong, spoke an accented english - that sounded quite Western, was good at observing the female hand :-) He was always a designer, drawing dresses instead of solving Physics. He got thru NIFT, Delhi in 95 , when we were all trying to enter the IITs & Roorkees. Always knew he'd make it someplace BIG.

Mayura James - One lady for whom I have searched this entire webspace, silently. She was my first crush - back when I was a 14 year old and she a year ahead at 15. I knew her as my fathers boss' niece. If I were to stand and ask the lord fr one thng today -it'd be the opportuity to tell her how I felt back then. She was and i assume continues to remain the most beautiful girl I have known. She also had the most pleaseing personality one could encounter. She had the ability to catch the eye of every male & female in a room at the age of 15. SHe always said she wanted to see me in a Tuxedo - oh that she could give me a chance - again!!

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Getting home!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2005
Home is where the heart is.
This may be a cliched line - used one too many a time.
Yet, I believe in it.

I got home today. The journey was eventful and interesting.
I had very good company. Raghav, Vrinda and yours truly had a lot of reminiscing to do. We also had a lot of conversation on the road ahead. How much would Mr.Gates help us there?

The upshot of it was that the train departed as scheduled at 1740hrs. We were on the platform at 1540hrs - a good 2hrs in advance. The time was spent quite usefully in admiring some of Gods creations.


Poor Vrinda did get a lil bored - cos our attentions were elsewhere. But then she had a good book to read. And a good book, especially one that details the posiibilities of awakening the SUBCONSCIOUS MIND, is better than CONSCIOUS Conversation... wot say V??

We (actually I) sent a sneaky & sarcastic SMS to the Bombshell at work.
"we're having loads of fun. r u ??"
She knew I'd sent it. She drafted a very polite reply and sent one back... detailing how the definition of fun changes with individuals.
Let sleeping dogs lie - so I did - not wanting to aggravate the situation in Bihar - beyond control. As it is Poor Lalu had lost the election there. His Bihari flock would not like being pushed around more than was necessary.

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It hurts to say goodbye

Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Yes - It hurts!!
Not akin to a pin-prick, more like a dull throbbing ache that fills me up.
Options - I have none - now!!

The decision was made sometime ago. Now it's execution time.

This last year has been quite eventful. I got a lot of warmth, care and affection from those around me. This was not limited to the people who came into my work area.
Memories will linger for a lifetime and I will treasure the year spent here.

Some moments bring a smile, some tears and of course there are those - which elicit a hearty laugh.

Thanks a ton all of you... :-)
I'll miss u
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The wrong falling!!

Friday, November 18, 2005
Someone - a wise person (actually) told me I have 2 failings (amongst the many that are not so evident)
1.Falling for the wrong women
2.Seemingly impulsive action

The latter observations can be discounted as superior thinking - my point of view. Let me tell you about point number 1.

First lets identify the wrong woman. There's nothing like a wrong someone. It's just that me & she didn't match. Self pride doesn't permit usage of "wrong" for oneself. Hence the term wrong woman. I could be wrong though.

I am attracted towards members of the opposite gender. So i'm alright in the head& heart.
I find it easier to interact with them. They're so much more in synch with me. I'm attracted to lots of things about them - intelligence & looks being the primary ones.

My attention is not fleeting , my care is lasting, the communication is two way, the desire is insatiable!!

But when the moment comes, I can walk away, like the pretender who has gone to ice. I can accept that her faults are mine, that the decision to go was mine. I always leave her pristine white. It's my character that I blame for playing the game of houses.
I have never two timed a lady who reposed her faith in me. That's not me at all. I'm not confused to whom I want as a partner. It's just that this broken heart needs a soulmate rather than a business partner for life.
We must breathe one another...


So much for the needs.. Life is about adjustments - lots of them. I can live with that for awhile -but that's just it - awhile!!

That's probably why the so-called wrong women and my falling for'em. We come together for that fleeting happiness. I do know this - I feel that someday i'll meet her on the dance floor. We'll dance the night away under the stars and the moon. There'll be a light breeze, lending some movement to the stillness of the night around us. Words will not be spoken. Thoughts will be communicated. Feelings echoed as the bodies twirl in rhythm around a bonfire. Then I shall go on my knees to say... - she'll bring me back up because she knows...
Sutting on the beach as the waves beat the rocks... We'll catch the sunrise, starting life as one.

Someday - yes - someday .
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Reasons to do...

Friday, November 18, 2005
Political and military reasons are the ones you should rely on, if you care to know what I think. They have self-interest behind them, and that makes them likely to last. Principles are pretty, but they go stale a lot faster.
Now, either that's wisdom or some of the most appalling cynicism i've ever written.
Whenever someone talks about doing things for reasons of justice, you should put your hands in your pocket, because you're about to get it picked.
Not all reasons are evident at the beginning. Observe carefully and thou shalt see the fires of reason.

What is it that makes us do what we do?
This question plagues my mind many a time.
Decisions are taken and actions made , seemingly on the fly. You call me impulsive. I agree. But even in that impulsive action - there is reason.

Have you ever done something because your heart wished or didn't wish? I have.
I will get close to someone based on the vibes I get, or run away and close all forms of communication if my heart feels constrained. It takes a split second for me to make that decision. I'm not discussing the rights and wrongs of my thoughts & actions. Yes - I have been wrong at times - but generally been the better for it in the life ahead. My actions leave the affected person(s) perplexed. It always comes like a bolt from the blue. But given time they're the better for it too.
I cannot explain all my actions except that I did what I felt right.

I don't say sorry. I have no regrets. And in any case - "sorry" never solved nothing.
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Time to Play Catch up

Wednesday, November 16, 2005
I hate to play catch up...
which means i'm reactive, rather than proactive!!!

It only serves to cramp my style!!

Today - I'm playing catch up at work, at home, with the packers , with my boss and the accounts department. Goes without saying that I'm playing catch up with the client and the vendors too. Oh - did I forget the team??

The question is - am I playing it the way I should?

I look in for ideas. Can't find'em
I look out for ideas. Nobody is givin any. I thought advice came free. Obviously not the useful stuff. That resides in the "members only" area of all the sites. :-)

I can't even find the words to type out today. Somehow everything is getting ahead of me. Maybe I'm a little tired. A wise woman I know mentioned very crisply - " you provide you r own questions and answers". Jeez - that can be quite a thoughtfulll!!

I will write more later when i'm composed.
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Smiles - Part 2

Wednesday, November 16, 2005
These are the smiles closer to home.
These are the smiles of my close family & friends.

Tina - my younger sis with Pankaj Bhai. This one was taken at Preetis (his sister - and mine too)wedding.
Nitin bhai and Rinku Bhabhi. Tying the knot after 8 years. That does bring about a smile on the face. December 4, 1999
Vishal and AnulekhaThat's Vishal & Anulekha. She's one of his really close female friends , albeit not his girlfriend.
Pooja & Shilpika - 31st Dec 04 - the fires are burning bright!!
Malliks Smile - burning Bright!!!
Yes - Pankaj can really frighten people with that smile
Shyamal, Shabbar & Vishal - Buddies forever
Mom Dad & Yours Truly

This one - I like best!!!

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The impatient patient.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005
I understand that life is not about a quick fix or a rush. It is about following your dreams across the mountains of mist, following that rainbow , where a pot of gold awaits you.
Life is about a steady growth punctuated by moments of realization which add depth and dimensions to the movement. It's like a video game where each successive level gains the player access to increased weapons and goodies to combat the challenges therein.
These increased weapons are not guns and bombs. They are the strength that comes with wisdom. Wisdom to understand, mull over the facts, analyse the circumstances and take decisive action.
Action, to my way of thinking, must necessarily be decisive. Half hearted action yields not the desired results.


Patience is one of the signs of attained wisdom. It is also a sign of maturity.
All the wise men and women say so.
In my heart of hearts I agree with them.
And now as I grow older - I should be more patient. Sometimes i'm not. It makes me wonder - the analysis is generally post facto.
Then there's that unknown rule of destiny & fate playing their hands in my life.
The wheel weaves as the wheel wills - so says one of my favorite books. The weaves of our lives intersperse with one another. People we didn’t know till the morning- become close. Friends to enemies and vice versa.


I am definitely an impatient patient.
Trying to jump levels sometimes ,in this game. Attempting to use a cheat code even when I know that none will work.
No - i'm not lazy. In fact the very opposite of it. I work extremely hard to succeed and win. Sometimes that "win" is the only comprehensible goal.
Mallik, a friend, once commented ," you are always competing. You are in competition with all those around you." So I am.
But more than anyone else - I compete against me. I lose sometimes. I do learn - never to repeat!
The questions I should stop and ask myself are, where am I headed in such haste.? Is it fame, glory, riches, the arms of a beautiful woman? What's in it for me? Why this selfish streak of self obsession where I disregard thoughts for others? What was the last good thing I did for anyone (other than myself)?


Answers - patience !!!


They will come with each level. Starting to ask the right questions is a good beginning.
I drown in the melody of Vivaldi ad his four seasons as I search the path. As that peters out - dire straits belt out "walks of life".
So very poignant - I must observe - and extremely tuned to the moment.
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Tublu & the Leg

Thursday, November 03, 2005
Shiladitya (a.k.a Tublu) is a gentle sole - I mean Soul!!
He has a thing for good Legs - especially if they belong to a Chick - oops Chicken!!

This is one of those days when I can't think straight.

Tublu "Bhai" is also a force to reckon with. Armed with his trusty ZIPPO - he moves around setting the worlds cigarettes aflame. He is capable of playing the DONs role to the hilt!!


He does have a very animated sense of Humour - at times!!


He is also a very nice , sensitive and humorous guy & above all, a great friend!!

PS : He is liable to lynch me after perusing the above!!!

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Arjuns Tryst with the camera's Fan Box

cinemascope

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    traveling life's quaint paths and making my own destiny...

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